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2005-12-28T08:53:00.000-08:00

on our papa's death.. quiza sinsay

Thank you all so much for coming today to help my mom, brother, sister and me remember our father, Bong. I have been having a lot of feelings since my father's death and we will see how long the feelings will allow me to speak.

It has been said that the loss of a parent is one of life's most traumatic events. I now know the devastating truth of that statement. I've been told that, in time, the hurt will fade, only to be replaced by positive memories that soothe the soul. Already, I can feel that happening.

I have to admit that it is very difficult to do this— to speak in front of you. The difficulty is not just due to the obvious causes -- the sadness, the grief, and the sense of loss a loved one. Nor is it due to the confrontation with death in its utter finality, and the resulting fear regarding one's own mortality. No, this is difficult for me primarily because of all of the unfinished business that I have with my papa. And while a part of me continues to nurture the hope that, had he lived longer, I would have been able to finish my business, I have to acknowledge that this is not true.

Those of you who knew our papa in healthier times would agree I think that he was not an easy man to live with or love. But one thing is for sure—his love for music is really evident. He was a very talented person—he can play the piano and the guitar. He was also a really good singer. And he knows that---to the point of really telling me that I got that talent from him! “Nagkaron kami ng isang pagtatalo dati tungkol diyan— Ang sabi niya hindi daw ako magiging scholar sa CEU pag hindi ako nagmana sa kanya!—kung hindi ako nagmana sa kanya sa pagkanta wala akong scholarship sa university chorale in other words!” Of course at that time, he was under the influence and the growing anger in my heart made me deny that fact.

Although I have to admit that every time he picks up a guitar and play—I can’t help but ask him to sing for me some songs that I really like. These past days, when I think of our papa, I always think of him with his guitar, playing James Taylor or Cat Stevens songs—jamming with queenie or having a duet with him. So for today, I would try to sing a portion of a song he once dedicated to my brother when he sent us a recorded tape of him singing--- it is from “Father and Son”… “susubukan kong hindi umiyak para makanta ko ng maayos…”

I was once like you are now
And I know that it’s not easy
To become when you’ve found
Something going on
But take your time, think a lot
Think of everything you’ve got
For you will still be here tomorrow
But your dreams may not

How can I try to explain? When I do
He turns away again
And it’s always been the same, same old story
From the moment I could talk
I was ordered to listen
Now there’s a way, and I know
That I have to go away
I know I have to go…

All the times that I’ve cried
Keeping all the things I knew inside
And it’s hard but it’s harder to ignore it

If they were right, I’d agree
But it’s them they know not me
That I have to go away
I know, I have to go…

Yes, my papa did his best to “go away” and live a life away from us so that we could be who we are today. He struggled to live life to the fullest, facing the challenges of withdrawing from the vice that severed his relationship with his family.

I believe that there is a reason for everything, including what our papa suffered. I have to believe this. I have to believe that relationships do not end at death but reaches its perfection. For in my papa’s death, he found peace…peace with God, peace with himself and peace with his loved ones.

My siblings and I never had the chance to honor our papa so I am taking a moment today to honor his memory—he did his best to deal with the cards life gave him…he struggled with his choices but in the end he found peace.

GOODBYE PAPA!

WE LOVE YOU!

WE WILL NOT MISS YOU because YOUR SONGS ARE FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS!

bernardito herman sinsay R.I.P.

2005-12-27T17:14:00.000-08:00

I whisper words about you endelessly...Mostly to myself cause you make me believe...No one could ever love you like I could...There wouldn't be a day you'd feel alone...And never would there be a time you didn't know...Cause no one could ever love you like I could
So if you'd be the one to share my dreams...I'd never let you go...If you'd stay with me.I promise you would know...Of all the times I reached out for you...Girl can't you see how I adore you...I couldn't spend my life without you...Please believe me I would never doubt you
I'll be the one to answer all your prayers Anytime you need me, know that I'll be there 'Cause no one could ever love you like I could...I'm hopin' that you hear these prayers of mine...I'm hopin' we'll be together for all time 'Cause no one could ever love you like I could
Oh! I would do anything To share that special place in your heart...Please let me be the one who would mean everything...There'll be no one to keep us apart
*nothing much goin on here... just thought of posting this...*

i miss you...

2005-12-21T02:08:00.000-08:00

7:55, 15 minutes early from our scheduled time of arrival, i was already anxious to get out of the ariport so i could turn my cellphone on and see whether she texted me or not. my mom was nowhere in sight so i had to buy a phone card and call home. home meaning 2697 simi valley california. this will be my address for a lil over 2 weeks since im gonna be spending christmas break here with my mom. anyways, i went to the nearest phone booth and dialed my mom's number. a few rings and i decided to hang up thinking that theyre probably on their way to the ariport already. i could no longer contain my anxiety so i went out to have a smoke and what do you know, i heard this familiar voice shouting my name!i spun around and saw this woman, wit blonde hair and all, coming towards me... i gently dropped my cig wishing that she didnt see me lighting it up. "MAMA!!! ang tagal nyo grabe!" ofcourse i had to say that in filipino, unmindful of the white people around me, theyre probably thinking, oh these asians! oh well... im just lucky i know their dialect, they dont sound "noisy" for me. you know how it is when youre surrounded with foreigners and you have no idea what theyre talking about since their language is totally different from yours? i go to ceu-college of dentistry, about 25% of the population are iranians, boy wen you hear them "gossip" at the hall way, youd wish you were deaf...
anyways, so yeah.. we got in the truck, boi was it cold! we headed straight to denny's and had dinner. it took me a long time to decide what to eat since im watching my weight now. i was in a diet for 2 weeks before i went here, im happy with the outcome. about an hour and half, we were home. the house looks amazing! it looks totally different from what i saw 3 years ago.
so whatelse??? yeah... i talked to her awhile ago. damn i miss her... i miss our text-marathon. i miss her laugh! and her voice which sounds different over the phone... different in a good way. she doesnt sound "mataray" over the phone even if she becomes abuds at times when talking to me. parang sweet parin...hahaha! *sigh*
i gotta catch some z's since we're gona chat later... ir youre reading this, i miss you and yeah... i miss you ulit... hahaha! wait for the next entry, its gonna be about you.. reasons why i like you... gotta go... tata!

2005-07-09T06:13:00.000-07:00

i have come to a conclusion regarding my love life.. rather.... the lack of it.
God is working his way again.... let me explain why.
i've been delayed in school for 2 reasons only. 1) i stopped for one semester because i went and lived with my mom in the US 2) i loved too much...
im not saying falling inlove is bad for me. its just that i fall inlove immensely and when i get heart broken, my whole world crashes down. wait! i just realized that those 2 relationships where in i had a hard time recovering from the heartache was with 2 girls who share the same name! PAULA!hahaha! back to my drama mode.
i love too much. that has always been my problem. and now, i feel like God is telling me to put aside the "heart matters" first and concentrate on my studies. after paula no. 2, i had 3 gf's and one more than friends less than lovers type of thing. i cant say that i loved them immensely cuz if i did, i bet you im not gonna be holding a clinic 3 tally sheet this semester! my relationships with them were so quick i cant even remember the dates we became an official couple! oh.. except with bianca... 21 kami eh.. how can i forget, she reminds me almost everyday when we were having problems already, or better yet, when I was having problems already...
in a span of 4 months, i hooked up with 4 different women. did i even mention that i went to 3 dates with different guys?? now how is it possible that i am single right now? God really moves in mysterious ways...

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i miss apple... i talked to her the other day. she doesnt have an idea that i know it was her i was talking to, she pretended to be her sister grapes. im gonna tell you the same thing i told her that night... i gotta move on.. i HAVE to move on...

2005-07-07T04:49:00.000-07:00

tangina! i miss some one! i miss apple.... haaaayy....yun lang....

2005-07-02T21:12:00.000-07:00

When the world says, "Give up,"Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."

sometimes i really wish some one would just get this helmet off my head (para mauntog na ulo ko at baka sakaling umayos)

i love her. and recently i concluded that i dont just love her, im inlove with her. and everyday i wake up feeling regretful as ever! the thought that she almost became mine, and then i gave up and everything turned into dust. i hate it.

i asked her yesterday if may chance paba and after that tatahimik nako. she said oo daw.kaya lang shes too busy with school stuffs. so ang labo diba?whats new?!? ganyan tlga sya! back then, when i thought wala na tlgang chance, i took a leap and decided to forget about her. and then i found out na she was just waiting for me to ask her the question! eh sus naman! malay ko ba that that was what she wanted a long time na! i really thought we werent goin anywhere cuz of how she treats me... yun pala hirap lang tlga sya mag pakita ng true feelings nya...

i talked to a friend the other day. her sign is CANCER. she explained to me some of the characteristics of those who fall under that sign. they tend to keep their emotions inside, underneath their shell.the only way for people to know what theyre thinking is if they open up on their own or "pukpukin mo". so true.... kaya siguro ganun tlga sya... haaayy....

kaya nga ngayon i dont know if wala na ba tlgang chance or am i just being paranoid again.. probably its the latter kasi im prone to that!!hahaha!

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currently im so into this song "sa kanya"... i listen to the lyrics.. hell i sing to it all the time. i know hindi tlga ako nakaka relate sa song with my current love interest.. pero why is it everytime i hear this song, sya naiisip ko???

"sa kanya parin babalik sigaw ng damdamin, sa kanya parin sasaya, bulong ng puso ko.kung buhay pa ang alaala ng ating nakaraan, ang pagmamahal at panahon alay parin sa kanya..."

siguro kasi kahit na theres alot of people out there.. i know all i really want is to be with her. sya lang tlga.. nobody else...

2005-06-30T07:31:00.000-07:00

i had a dream about you, you left me a sweet note sa locker ko. you told me you love me... kilig na kilig daw ako sa dream ko. when i woke up, i had a big smile on my face, then suddenly a realization hit me.. i felt my eyes turn watery and naiyak ako... you know what that realization was? that it happened only in my dream.. yung fave quote ko if you love me only in my dreams, let me be asleep forever...hindi talaga pwede yun...at some point gigising ka din.. at some point kelangan mo tlga gumising.. :'( "

this is what i texted her a few minutes ago... *sigh*

2005-06-25T17:51:00.000-07:00

this is official! i hate my fuckin school so fuckin much! last nite a certain some one texted me, she got bad news daw for me,. my heart started pounding real hard, my palms sweaty... and she was wrong! it wasnt just a bad news! it was a very very very bad news! apparently, another rumor about me (fuck whats new???) is circulating around school, and not just with the students! but with the professors as well! tangina! yung number 1 rumor, i dont give really give a damn about it that much cuz in a way its true, scary lang kasi i know it would greatly affect my sorta relationship with that certain some one. i know her parents and her tita's and titos and ninangs and ninongs wouldnt want her to hang out with me anymore.2nd rumor, i really cant fuckin take it! i did something with some one daw during our leadership training seminar! tangina ano yun?!? all i know is that we had a drinking session after hours! pero i wasnt with only just one person! sobrang dami namin nun! ang lupit ng tsismosa na yun!how can it be about just me and some one?!?! eh sobrang dami namin nun!! tangina tlga! i should have left ceu years ago! hindi ko lang tinuloy kasi i figured everyone would grow up and be matured in time... tangina! i figured wrong! tangina matatanggap ko pa kung sa students lang yung rumor eh! what the fuck??why do you have to involve the professors?!?! eto na ata pinaka malupit na rumor about me!!! i talked to crix last night, we both have the same sentiments. we thought tapos na yung mga ganito after mag grad nung batch higher samin... pero tangina! hindi pa pala! parang its starting again! tangina!!!!!

2005-06-11T20:45:00.000-07:00

around 7pm i got a text from bianca. she asked me if i wanted to watch alot like love. having no money i told her i cant, and she replied and said it was gonna be on her. whew! at that exact moment i was bit surprised, first time ever, i wouldnt be the one paying!hahahaha! so anyways, i texted lj right away to find out if her "eb" with her online gf will push thru that night. she said yeah. i knew she wanted to be with her gf by herself but something inside me made think and ask lj to watch a movie with us and her girl. maybe its the thought that she mite get stood up (again, you guys dont know how many times lj has fallen for a faker). and besides, she was leaving for iligan the next day and i wanted to spend time with her since out of all in our kada, she was the one i was closest to. so we set the time, 930-g4. around 925 i texted lj where she was, she said her gf "inna" hasnt texted yet. OHNO!!! i knew it... yet another faker.
blahblahblah.... we,lj, bianca and i,all met up infront of breadtalk around 1025. 5 minutes to spare before the movie starts. we hurriedly walked to the ticket booth and got tickets.lj asked me if she should get tickets for her self and inna already, i said just get one for yourself, so as not to waste money if inna doesnt show up.during the movie, i was looking over my shoulder, checking out if lj was enjoying the film (she really wanted to watch that movie so bad), i think i heard her laugh 3or 4 times and thats it. to cut the long story short.. inna was a no show. th 3 of us headed to starbux after the movie for a yosi break. and thats when we started analyzing inna's stories... i knew right then and there that she really is a faker. i dont wanna go thru hre stories anymore... but im positive shes a f*cken faker.
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715 i got a text from lj, she said inna met an accident and was in ICU, she found out thru inna's mom. a "stockholder of rustans, a bigtime business woman, who im sure if the story's true, she would be panicking and her whole fam would be to," would still have time to text the lesbian gf of her daughter... to think they havent even met yet. and "the mom" even said she would be updating lj about her daughter's condition. oh yeah, "the mom" is using inna's fone to text lj.of course, lj believed her... *sigh*
poor lj... she seems to be falling for the wrong type of girls lately. to concerned with the physical beauty that she doesnt see things in a wider perspective. ako lang ang maswerteng nakakakuha ng maganda gf noh!hahahahahaha!!!

2005-06-11T03:51:00.000-07:00

summer is almost over... back to school! back to spending so much money with clinic work! back to skipping meals just to get that tally sheet signed! back to long cues for the photocopying machines!back to taking down notes! back to fuckin hard ass quizzes!my gawd!! i cant wait to graduate! i saw the list of passers for the dental board exams yesterday, 5 topnotchers were from my college!! way to go ceu! *ok.. so now ya'll know what univ i go to!hahahaha!* anyway... yeah.. out of the 1T and so examinees, only 400+ passed, and half of it were escolarians *sige pa, tlgang gustong gusto ipaalam na taga ceu ako!hahaha!* my dent skul!yay!

back to my complaining about classes starting again.. june 14.. oh that dreaded day! i dont wana go yet! but i wanna see and be with my friends narin so what the hell...

gotta go...

2005-05-31T20:16:00.000-07:00

dr lim is the best! it took me an hour and a half to get to school today, it was raining real hard and i didnt care kahit putik putik na white pants ko... and when i got to school i ran to ds office agad cuz baka mag break na silang mga prof,i saw lim agad na had my thesis checked. it took her less than 5 minutes to "read" it and then gave instructions to where i can have it photocopied!!! sus! ang tagal tagal ng byahe ko tapos yun lang!!!Waaaahh!!!!

2005-05-31T08:18:00.000-07:00

I've hardly been outside my room in days,'cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays.The darkness helped until the whiskey wore away,and it was then I realized the conscience never fades.When you're young you have this image of your life:that you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife.And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross,and if you happen to you wake completely lost.But I will fight for you, be sure thatI will fight until we're the special two once again.And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,our hands will not be taught to hold another's,'cause we're the special two.And we could only see each other, we'll breathe together,these arms will not be taught to need another's,'cause we're the special two.I remember someone old once said to me:"that lies will lock you up with truth the only key."But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell,and couldn't see this place could soon become my hell.So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face?Well I guess the answer is don't do it in the first place.I know I'm not deserving of your trust from you right now,but if by chance you change your mind you know I will notlet you down 'cause we were the special two, and will be again.And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,our hands will not be taught to hold another's,'cause we're the special two.And we could only see each other, we'll breathe together,these arms will not be taught to need another's,'cause we're the special two.
I step outside my mind's eye's for a minute.And I look over me like a doctor looking for disease,or something that could ease the pain.But nothing cures the hurt you bring on by yourself,just remembering, just remembering how we were...
When we would only need each other, we'd bleed together,these hands would not be taught to hold another's,we we're the special two.And we could only see each other, we'd bleed together,these arms will not be taught to need another's,'cause we're the special two.

my new blog

2005-05-27T09:36:00.000-07:00

funniest thing... in my most eloquent of days but i couldn't do anything cus i came across the biggest road block yet of my blogging history... i forgot my password!!! so anyway, instead of hasslin myself with all the techinicalities of retrieving my password, i thought... make a new one nlang... u know, new life... new stories... NEW BLOG!!! so i got hold of my DESIGNER (you know... this fabulous friend of mine who is marvelous with things such as this...) and told her to make me a new one...

see what i mean? hassle free!!!